Halloween Special: The Ousuary (or fun with bones)

I heard tell of a strange church in the middle of a graveyard. A church built with human bones no less. Naturally I scoffed at such wild rumors, but they were compelling. I made up my mind to see if there was anything to them, and made the ardorus journey over land, across the dark forests in the east of Bohemia. ( in an air-conditioned first class train carriage) Little did I know I was heading to my own funeral.

When I reached the small village, I found it nearly deserted. No one seemed to be about at all, (excepting the hundreds of cars that nearly ran me down as I crossed the road) save an aged crone who raised a gnarled finger in the direction of a spire hanging menacingly over the ruinous town.(I swear she muttered something like "stupid tourist") As I approached the church I noted with a thrill of terror that the traditional cross of Christ was missing, and in its place a giant golden skull leered down at me. (I thought, wow that must be for stupid tourists, like me)

I crept along behind the wall of the graveyard, till I was certain no one was in sight. Then I stealthily vaulted over and took cover under a particularly large headstone. (I was to lazy to walk around to the gate so I tore my pants trying to climb over the wall.)

The instant I had entered the yard I was nearly overcome by the foul stench that pervaded the place.(old cigarette smoke) An aura of palpable evil seemed to emanate from the heart of the yard, the church. Above the massive gates of the church I could barely make out in faded lettering the name that has become my life: "Ousuary".

Swallowing my growing panic I peered thur a crack in the door. A freakishly tall hag stood guard on the other side. Mustering my courage I threw open the door and strutted in with all the swagger I could effect. She spun around apparently shocked that anyone would dare to enter, and greeted my impunity with a shriek of rage. The hag flew at me with a rusted sword, but I deftly deflected it with a well aimed shurinji rui kick. Seeing herself thus thwarted she proceeded to hurl curses at me. Having had enough of her, I silenced her by tossing a large thigh bone at her head , while yelling "fetch!". (She still made me buy a ticket to get in. Lucky I got the student discount.)

Having thus incapacitated her I gingerly crept down the winding stairway emerging after several minutes in the dungeon. Words fail me for the sights that greeted me.(Japanese tourists doing "cute" poses for pictures)

Note the darling cupid (a nice touch I thought), and the bone chandelier. Supposedly every bone in the human body was used in its construction.

The coat of arms of the family of necromancers who built this abomination of a church.

A close up of a detail in the afore mentioned coat of arms. Note the feathery bones coming out of the top of the skull. Its meant to be a turkish general, the raven picking at its eyes symbolizes their defeat at the hands of the necromancers.

The Unholy Grail.

When I saw this I couldn't help but start humming Godsmacks "Voodoo" to myself.

Over 40,000 corpses were used in the construction of the unholy sanctuary. She would know.

As I was taking this picture, I failed to hear the sound of the hag creeping up behind me.(She caught me taking pictures.) To late I jumped aside. The rusted sword plunged into my side, and I fell to the stone floor. I lay there among the bones helpless while she shouted an incantation.(you must pay 20 crowns extra for pictures!)

Now as my skeletal fingers click and clack against the decaying keys of this ancient computer, I cant help but think that for all their powers, these necromancers need to upgrade their hardware. (Seriously.)

The Trans-Siberian

The trans sib is a great way to travel. Not the fastest, and not the cheapest (though its pretty damn cheap, aerofolt could be slightly cheaper than one of the nice trains). Its very relaxing, or at least in my case it was (vodka), but then I wasn't in some plazcart (Russian for gulag transport) with half the red army for company. It takes about 7 to 8 days on one of the faster (better) trains.

And believe me you don't want to do these 7 days straight. After 2 days of seeing the same trees and grass go by with absolutely no interruption, you beginning to develop what I call
Napoleonic/Nazi brain fever. Try as you might, you cant shake of the uneasy feeling that the train isn't really moving, that its some kind of trick they play on tourists, that the tracks must be placed in some kind of large circle. You try to tell yourself, no, why would they do a thing like that, then you realize that its just the kind of thing that would make Putins day.

If you've seen any of those WW2 documentaries where they have some ancient Nazi sergeant talking about how the land in Russia drove them mad, how it just goes on and on, how it swallowed their company, you know what I mean.

God the music in this cybercafe reeks. I know this has nothing to do with anything but its hard to type while being serenaded by some chipmunk singing that abomidable "so lonely" atrocity, followed by some usher perfidity. Next will no doubt be that "Gassolina" horror. Its worse. No less than that child molester R.J. Kellys "I believe I can fly". Yeah right, I bet he "thinks about it every night and day" in federal pen that sick fucker. I don't see him "running thru that open door" anytime soon.

Well enough griping, back to the train. All I can say is that its was a good experience(If lengthy), but don't do it as then I wont feel as special. On with the pics:

A typical view from the train window. This is what you see for days on end, with only the telegraph wire to remind you of that its not sometime B.C. (Well, that and the train.)

The occasional village. Its funny that even in these miniscule villages with tons of land all around they still have the standard Stalinist apartment blocks. Whats the point of that?

The dining car. When I was taking this picture the waiter came up to me and said "What are you doing, you American spy?" He was a cool guy. Bizarrely, he spoke fluent German but barely and English. It seems that the Germans still enjoy invading Russia, in the form of tourists, loads of them.

Another Russian invention. Its a hot water heater. Everyone is drinking tea all day so they have this thing constantly boiling. They use an open wood fire to heat it! I mean like each car has a chimny with smoke pouring out. Note the fire extinguisher.

The corridor of the second class car. Each door opens to a small room. There are four beds to a room. I have no idea what the balloons are there for. Someone's birthday?

Some freaks who we hung out with. The guy is Kevin (Sin City). The girl had never spoken to a foreigner before, but she could speak English well, with a crisp British accent (?). Apparently they have a pretty decent educational system. (For those who go to school, that is)

Another cute girl, with a British accent. It was surreal.

Well must go find some food.