Vendetta against Dan Brown

NO.

My brothers and sisters in the lord, I come before you asking this question. What the hell am I doing here? Why on this fine Slavic Friday night am I wasting time in a cybercafé, instead of doing something productive, like drinking myself silly? Why am I not out making a fool of myself in front of beautiful women?

The answer is anger. Anger at what I was forced to see. It is this anger that forces me to write.

It all started innocently enough. I had nothing to do yesterday, so I thought I would catch a movie. They were playing "V for Vendetta", and I had heard it was good. So there I was, siting in the fine cinema here, waiting for my movie. Then without warning the trailer for the "Da Vinchi Code" flashed across the screen.

Dan Brown......."An ancient secret"........"We must find the truth or it will be lost forever"........."Only then will mankind at last be free"........Tom Hanks.......

The result of this barrage was an epileptic fit, complete with foaming at the mouth. By the time I was resuscitated, I had missed half the movie.

So WTF? Why? The book was bad enough. Anyone who managed to read that book without feeling insulted has mental problems. His material was unoriginal in the extreme. The fact that Danny boy became so popular because of that one book is proof to me of a massive decline in the intellect of the masses. The fact that some people can read that, take it seriously, and then consider themselves "alternative" causes me to lose sleep.

"Oh, Im gnostic now." Vomit.

In this increasingly fickle world, where people change there beliefs like they change their clothes, this sort of foolishness is the last thing we need. Before, if someone were to claim to be "gnostic" it would be the prelude to and interesting conversation, involving Alistair Crowley, Abraksas etc... Now its all about Dan fucking Brown. With this rubbish the banalization of society has reached a level beyond the obscene.

Thinking all this wasn't bad enough, now he must needs make a movie. We wouldn't want the illiterate to miss out on the "emancipation of mankind". And as if to insure the maximum yield of vomit from those present, he casts Tom Hanks as the "hero". For such a smugly written story, I cannot think of a better choice than the star of "Castaway". (Wilson!!)

So fellow humans, what do we do? Do we submit to being force fed this excrement? Hell no, I say. I say we boycott this film. I say we take pride in not seeing it. (Remember "Titanic"?) I say that we make it an excommunicable offence to see this film!! Amen? Praise Jesus!

On a happier note, "V for Vendetta" was rather good. So good in fact, it deserves a sequel. In the dementia that followed seeing Dannys ghastly trailer, the plot for a sequel has emerged. Hows this:

"B for Bolshevism"

Set in Russia ten years from now. The people are crushed under the autocratic rule of Putin, whose government has grown rich off of oil. In this time of trouble our hero emerges. "Remember, remember the 6th of November". (Red Oktober was actually on the 6th of November) Wearing a Lenin mask, a red cape ,and wielding a hammer in one had and a sickle in the other, he sets out to thrash the Kremlin guards. This movie would have the added benefit of involving multiple Russian women. Furthermore, in this movie, the man (B), and not the women would be bald.

The final scene would involve hordes of red clad, Lenin mask wearing Muscovites storming the Kremlin.

You must all agree, Dan Brown has nothing on me.