Its 9/11! OMG!

I'm sure they feel much better knowing that their flag doubles as a contraceptive.

It’s that time of year again, time to be bombarded with sickening images of morons waving flags and “being patriotic.” I can hardly imagine anything more revolting. The entire 9/11 episode might have had a mercifully minimal historical impact if not for the idiotic, hyped up manner with which it was treated.

Some historians identify World War 1 as “the hinge of violence,” referring to the domino effect it set off in Europe and around the world. If WW1 was “the hinge of violence”, then 9/11 is “the hinge of douchiness”. I shudder when I recall the outpouring of “patriotic sentiment”; the albums, the books, the movies and worst of all, the Bono.

seriously?

Who cares? Why the hell are people patriotic, and how is it a good thing? Dedication to a set of principles or communal goals is one thing, but this unthinking frenzied flag waving, hugging and crying bullshit is quite another. In his book documenting WW1, “all quiet on the western front,” the author relates how the German youth marched to the recruiting stations quoting Horace and singing snatches from the Odyssey. What do the frantic mobs sing now as they robotically wave their flags? Somehow I doubt its anything so sophisticated.

How has the world changed since the event of this “hinge of douchery”? For starters, Americans are internationally despised or at least mocked. Even in Albania. When the self neutered western troops are butchered in the embarrassing war of Iraq, what are they dieing for? In my opinion they lack even the questionable dignity of dieing for a resource. I think the vast majority have died for the sake of several powerful men’s uncanny stupidity.

mega fail.

I remember the day after the terrorist attack I went to karate class. The teacher called me to the front and asked what I thought about it. Even at that age I was fairly brilliant and I replied that it would be better if Americans would just carry on as if nothing had happened. He was shocked and must have thought my reply irreverent for he made a strange face. I had no idea how right I was. Following 9/11 we had about 3 years of shitty music and shittier movies. Upon visiting the states I was treated to a first hand taste of the obnoxious patriotism and new sense self-importance displayed by the uneducated idiots who comprise the US immigration service.

“Why didn’t you state your address, sir?”

“I don’t live in the US.”

“Why not, sir?”

9/11 spawned a chain of reactionary idiocy which six years later shows little sign of abating. First we had a massive reaction from the rabid wacky right, followed by an only slightly less moronic reaction from the delusional self-righteous left, and on and on, back and forth. I say: the pox take both sides. My seven point platform for a return to culture and international respectability is as follows:

1. Any song, poem or movie that contains the phrase “9/11” will be censored.
2. Anyone who implies that it’s somehow inherently wrong to disrespect the taboos of an antagonistic religious culture will have their head beaten in by a metal bound Koran.
3. Anyone who voted for the war in Iraq will be given a suit of mail, helmet, sword, and a white tunic with a red cross on it and shipped there. (by Venetian sailing vessel, so as to save on oil) They must provide their own horse.                 
4. Anyone moaning and/or groaning about war/peace in the Middle East will be given a camel in exchange for the gas guzzling car they drove to the peace rally.
5. Anyone who produces anything which portrays Islam as a "peaceful religion" will be wrapped in an American flag and dropped into the center of Mecca.
6. Anyone, be they American or foreigner, who utters the accursed phrase “America, fuck yeah” will be shot on site.                
7. Lastly, anyone comparing an event to 9/11, such as “It was Spain’s 9/11” or “Could this be Russia’s 9/11?” will have their tongue removed. (Pearl Harbor was America’s 9/11. OMG! I'm as freaking genius!)

it wasn't that funny

That about sums up my stance, and now I must prepare for my 9/11 anniversary party. Something in the order of a large twin tower cake, which I will cut by stabbing with a knife while making whooshing airplane sounds. After that I will eat the cake out of my Turkish ornamental Koran plates, being sure to smear a good deal of ice cream on the Arabic text.

This done, I will proceed to the roof of my Japanese apartment and wave an American flag while drinking vodka and playing the North Korean national anthem. Any passing Japanese will likely bow respectfully, doubtless fancying they are “partaking in my patriotic pain and loss.” After I have tired of waving the flag and listening to North Korean, I will retire to my room and watch a soviet film, leaving the cleaning of the Koranic plates until the following morning, and act which will hopefully enrage Allah.